Broken and crying for help...

Okay.. so continuing from my American Idol blog telling you guys that unfortunately, I can't audition this year after all.... and I think I'm not-so-finally seeing the answer to why I'm not meant to audition this year.

Right now, I need to concentrate on my health.  A lot of you know that I've been battling Bulimia Nervosa for 2.5 years now.  And you all know that I also started to throw up again not too long ago.

Well, it's gotten so much worse since the last time I asked for prayer.  My depression has gotten worse since being home and I'm throwing up as much as seven times a day again.  The losing weight process has already started once again, also.  And to top it all off, I started drinking again.  The last time I got drunk was only a week or so ago.

When it comes to people, I'm literally lying.  There is specifically one guy at church that I avoid seeing because I know he will ask me how I am doing.  When I was at school in Michigan and was close to committing suicide, he was the first to notice the signs through my facebook page and contacted both me and the counselor at my school and told me and them that I needed help.  I avoid him now to avoid him asking me how I'm doing.  When I see him, I get my phone out and pretend I am talking on it so he won't come up to me. 

I do this because I know that if he finds out, he will try to "help" me..but by helping me, he really won't be helping at all, but just be making everything worse.  I live with my mom this summer, and I can't really fully explain what she is like.  But if he tries to "help," she will find out and even though I am almost 21, living with her will instantly become more of a nightmare than it already is.

I wake up every day right now feeling sad that I actually woke up. And it sucks because right now, I am pretty much on my own.  Until I get out of my mom's house, I can't seek help because if she finds out anything, it won't be easy on me.  She was very emotionally abusive growing up.

Please pray for strength for me right now.  I don't know what to do, but I am just trying to fight the eating disorder on my own.  My faith is also beginning to fade on me, and I don't even know how to begin fighting for that as well.  Just please keep me in your prayers...