Forgiveness in relationships

In 1874, a couple of brothers had a fight over the land they had jointly inherited from their father. Instead of properly settling the dispute, one brother built a large home on the land while the other brother was away in the military. When the traveling brother returned home, he found his inheritance usurped by his own brother. Angry and bitter he decided to spite his greedy brother and build a small house on what was left of the land they both owned, thereby blocking his brother’s nice view. Now that house still stands today. It’s located in Boston and is known by the locals as The Skinny House.  At its widest point, the Skinny House is just over 10 feet wide. The narrowest point in the house is only 6.2 feet wide – you could almost touch the walls with your arms stretched side to side. It’s stood for well over a century as a testament to bitterness and greed, selfishness and unforgiveness. It is one of several houses around the world which have come to be called “Spite Houses” because they are built out of spite for others.

And I think it’s safe to say that there are many people living in Spite Houses of their own making today. These are houses without visible walls but they imprison you none-the-less. They are built, just as the original Spite Houses, out of bitter hearts and unforgiving spirits. We all know those people who carry around bitterness as though it were a priceless treasure rather than a cursed burden. We have seen the constant hurt and pain and hardness in those who live angry lives, refusing to allow healing and forgiveness to enter in and wash the hurt away. But the truth we might struggle to confront is our own difficulty in forgiving those who have wronged us, hurt us, mistreated us or brought pain and tragedy into our lives.

Because the truth about forgiveness is … that isn’t easy. You never have to forgive someone for something that doesn’t matter. You never have to forgive them for helping you, making your smile or making you feel good. The only time you’re placed in a position of having to forgive is when you’ve been hurt. And we’ve all been there, haven’t we? Maybe some of us here today are in that very place, right now. Living with the hurt and the pain, with the anger and the bitterness. All it takes is to hear a certain person’s name mentioned and your stomach twists in a knot and those feelings of anger and hurt rise to the surface.

Let me give you an example. As we drove through a town on the way to the AGC conference a couple of weeks ago the kids, out of the blue, asked if we knew anyone living in that town. I said, “No.” I couldn’t think of anyone living there. But Heather said, “Yes,” and she mentioned the name of a couple we knew. Now, I had been deeply hurt by this couple at one time, and I thought I had forgiven them in my own heart, but when Heather mentioned their names I felt physically sick to my stomach and my heart started to beat faster. All the old pain resurfaced and I realized that forgiveness was going to need to be a choice that I made again and again in this situation. And so I want to talk to you this morning about forgiveness, not as one who has all the answers, but as one who shares all the same struggles.

This is our fifth message in our “Fireproofing Your Relationships,” series. And I want you to understand today that forgiveness is absolutely crucial when it comes to building the relationships in our lives – whether they be friendships or our marriages. And forgiveness is crucial because every relationship you have will likely under go tension at one time or another. Careless words are spoken. Wrongs are done. Trust is broken. And hurts, whether intentional or not, are received and experienced. This is simply real life because we are imperfect people. And if we want to have relationships that last for the long haul – which really are the best kind to have – then we must be willing to extend forgiveness to others. In every relationship you’re a part of you will find yourself being called upon to forgive others or to ask their forgiveness yourself. But it’s often not an easy thing to do.

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