My two dads....

Today I was pondering what to write. I take time in my day, a SPECIFIC time in my day usually to put in writing something I want to remember. Yes, I print my blog posts out and am keeping a scrap book. This is just sort of my living scrapbook for all to see and read.

Today though, I had been sitting back pondering what to write. Nothing wonderful has happened to me in the last 24 hours for me to report.

Let me start over. Last night I went to dinner with my father. As usual, we two can't be in the same room without fighting. It is rather sad really. Someone called me a drama queen this week for something I wrote about someone elses drama, and I was quick to rebuke that. I don't think of myself as the queen of drama myself, but for some reason am circled by people with drama in their lives that tend to very rapidly flow into my life. Causing their drama to become my own.

So I get home from dinner last night and am in bed by 8:30- which even for me is a bit early. I sat there and cried because of the relationship I share with my father. It is so tumultuous  that it draws me to tears anymore.  I have been such a part of my husbands family for so long, that I understand and LIVE my life with some normalcy in their eyes that I have a hard time breathing around my own family as it seems I am always walking on egg shells.

But I very quickly began to realize that my fathers issues, as many as there are that for one reason or another, tend to be about me- are HIS issues. Same with both of my brothers, same with all of my friends.  I am such a peace maker that when I see problems- I take them personally and involve myself. Not because I am being nosey, but completely out of protection. No one can protect me from the issues surrounding me, so I try so hard to protect every one I know with something wrong in their lives.

My mother in law said to me a bit ago, that no matter how hard I try- I can't save everyone.
My husband said to me "why do you always have to have a project?"  What is this, the movie clueless? I have a project?

So I am sitting in my bed last night second guessing myself. With all of this that I tend to take on DOES that make ME a drama queen? Ugh I hope not. I hate drama.... although it tends to engulf EVERY part of my life I truly do loathe it as a part of my life.

I cry- tears fall down my face and I find myself praying.
 
As most who are in pain do.
 
I am asking God to make something different. I find tho' that I try and be as specific in my prayers as i can be out of fear.  I try not to just pray "dear God please make these issues with my father go away"  As that leaves wiiiide open a lot of things I wouldnt want to happen, to happen.
You know- if my dad died- they would go away. If he got hurt and ended up in a coma- they would go away. If my company failed tomorrow and I didnt have to work with him- they would go away. 

I am VERY specific in my prayers...... "dear God" I say  "Please open my fathers eyes to see how he treats me. " And it goes from there......

I am in the very barest of the word in PAIN. Utmost emotional pain- AGAIN because of my father. I know I can't change him. And I have accepted that. I am ok with every role each member of my family play in my life. It leads to alot of blogs, that tend to be me crying about the same thing over and over again tho' (yes I know -- welcome to my life!!)

Anyway- the story got way off track. My apologies for that. Anyway, I post a song of the day every morning for my friends on facebook. Today It was more of a spiritual uplifting for the day.  I went to hunt out something special to say today and stopped at Mercy Me. (For some reson they seem to be a staple in my faith. In everything big that has happened they have been there for me through song. But thats another story for another time) So I am pondering what to be, feel and do today. What to write today, here in my outlet. And when I found the song of the day and watched it, I was ok. I AM ok.

I love the way that God can do that for us. One minute we are hurting, and the next, just by hearing something about Gods love or promises for us- we are ok. Ahhh God is good. Even when we aren't, even when we don't deserve it- He is good.

I am so uplifted now. I know that although my earthly father and I have issues- I have one father who loves me unconditonally. And fight as I may to MAKE him know me, my earthly father just doesnt. Thank God He does!!!!

I am posting the link to todays spiritual uplifting. May it bring peace to you today somehow....

until next time
xo xo
-M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JK_6osCH74