The Path That Led Me to Him (Sorry, Kind of Long)

The Path that Led Me to Him 

The Beginning:

It started way back when I was a child. I remember lying in the backyard, looking up at the sky. It was so beautiful, so big, so grand.  I would think, “There is a great big God out there…” I wanted to know him. 

I grew up Catholic. It was the only way I knew to serve God at that time. I had decided by grade 4 that I wanted to be a nun, to give God all I had.  

Rebellion:

Things changed in middle school; I started hanging out with a wild group of kids. I began smoking, drinking, and using drugs, (pot, speed, acid). To be perfectly honest about it, I was scared every time. I was afraid of getting caught and of the potential harm it could do to me, but I felt like I wouldn't be accepted by my friends if I didn't participate.  

In the summer of 1973 I met a guy who was a couple years older than I was. We hung out a lot and I thought it was "cool" that he liked me. He was a hard worker, cared about his grades, didn’t drink, or smoke and he drove a car!

We spent a lot of time together even though my parents forbade me to see him. They didn’t want me in a car with a guy, especially at the age of 15. 

Jim’s nick name was fuse and all his friends laughed because of it. It was short for “short fuse”. I never really knew what it meant, but found out later that (obviously), it meant that he had a temper. He had a reputation for going crazy when he got in a fight. 

As you can guess, I ended up pregnant when I was 15. Jim wanted to marry me but my parents wouldn’t sign the papers. After I delivered Jesse at age 16, we took him and ran off to upper MI for a week. My parents were frantic, and I caused them terrible emotional pain. By the time we returned, they said they would sign the papers for us to get married.   

The Real Nightmare Begins:

Jim and I were married in the fall of 1974. We had been married for two weeks when I made my first grocery shopping trip. Since I’d never done it before, and I had no clue what I was doing. When I got home he became upset with the items I purchased. He pushed me down a flight of stairs. I was scared to death. I’d never been treated like that in my whole life. Later, he apologized and promised he would never do this again. It quickly became a pattern and I realized I made a horrible mistake. I told him that if he ever hit me again, I would divorce him. He became irate, out of control and again, pounded me! I didn’t leave because he said he would find me no matter where I went and kill me. I believed him. I realized I had locked myself in an inescapable prison by marrying this guy. I felt hopeless and scared, very alone. I felt like God had turned his back on me. But in reality, it was I who turned my back to God. 

During this time I didn’t think much about Him for some reason. It may be because I was taking care of a little one at such a young age, and was struggling, trying to be a good mom and trying very hard not to make Jim mad. 

A few things happened in the next year that are too terrible to put into words. I can barely fathom it all, even now, 44 years later. It almost killed me emotionally. But I kept it all in, hidden, quiet. No one knew.   

In those early days when we struggled financially because of his occasional job layoffs, I couldn’t buy anything for birth control. Yet Jim expected me to somehow not end up pregnant again, as he continued to use me. I was in constant fear. 

I'm sure it's not a big surprise that I was soon expecting again. What was supposed to be a happy, joyful event had me terrified. Our sweet daughter was born in 1976.

The abuse continued through the years. Besides the terrible physical pain, fear and torture he inflicted upon me, he also abused me mentally and emotionally. Besides many other things, he told me year after year that I was “fat, ugly and stupid”. I felt worthless, like a failure, like a piece of dirty garbage. (I still struggle some with low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy, though I know that is a lie from the pit and I try to see myself through the eyes of Jesus). After hearing something over and over for many years, you come to believe it.  

Jim used fear to keep me from telling anyone about the abuse.  He continued to tell me time and time again that if I ever left him, he would find me and kill me no matter where I tried to hide. He would hurt my family. He would hurt Jesse and Lisa. This terrified me because I still believed him and knew he was capable of such a thing.  

On the outside, our marriage looked good. We both had great jobs, the kids were doing well in school, we had a house, built in swimming pool, a ski boat, para-sail, motorcycle, ATV, snow-mobiles, nice clothes, and everything we physically needed to live. It was quite the masquerade. I was empty and scared. The beatings got worse as the years went by. He’d beat me until I’d be full of painful bumps and bruises. It hurt to brush my hair because of all the lumps on my head. He would always grab me by the hair and wind his fingers in it, then pull. He held pillows over my face until I went limp. He held loaded guns to my head many times.  

One time he pounded my head against the fireplace hearth until I pretended to pass out. I thought he was going to kill me for sure. I don’t think Jesse and Lisa ever saw the abuse, though Jess told me when he was older than he heard it happening and was scared. I felt so bad to know that my little boy suffered through that all alone. It breaks my heart….

During this time of emptiness and terror, I decided to buy a Bible. I began to long for God again and knew there was a place in my heart that only He could fill. At night, the stars continued to witness His glory to me.  

The Escape:1980-1984

Jim and I were both attending college once the kids were in school all day. He was going for mechanical engineering and I was going for nursing. We were both getting great grades and loved learning.

1984-One day while at work, a neighbor called me and said that Jesse (my son, almost age 10) and his son had been riding our ATV and had an accident with it. When they limped home, Jim was there to greet them. For the first time ever, Jim began beating up Jesse. Yes, on top of his accident wounds! He also laid into the neighbor boy. I knew it was the time to escape. Abusing me was horrid enough, but to hurt my child, I’d take the risk and leave! I made arrangements to rent a truck and an apartment. That night I moved out while he was at work. 

Confusion:

A month or so went by and I realized that God was still calling to me and I continued to read my Bible. I knew that my heart wasn’t right and I was involved in sin. There was inner turmoil, the flesh fighting to do what (I thought) I needed to do, and doing what I knew God wanted me to do, which was to seek and obey Him. I was becoming so very confused because the Bible said certain things, and I grew up learning things that were contrary to what it said. I began calling different churches asking questions. Most of the people I talked to were very kind, some were pushy, and some were simply rude. On one particular weekend, my kids were staying at my parents, and I took the opportunity to call more churches.

I asked a lot of questions during the last call I made that day. I think the man I was talking to was irritated that I was asking so many questions.(He was a priest) At last, when I asked him why their church (denomination) does something and the Bible says something else, he told me to “Go to h___” and hung up on me. I was shocked! How do I find God if no one can help me?  Now what?! Even God was forsaking me?! I didn’t know what to do.  

Giving Up:

That day I had lost all hope. That night I made foolish decision…I decided I wanted to die. I wrote a letter to my kids, then to my parents. I took every pill I could find in the house and laid down to die. The last thing I remember before losing consciousness was saying, “God, if you are there and you will reveal yourself to me, I want to live. If not, I want to die”. I briefly woke up as I was being taken out to an ambulance, but lost consciousness again. I woke up three days later in intensive care. I remember whispering “There is a God” right when I opened my eyes.  

After I left the hospital, the kids and I moved in with my mom and dad. God was still on my mind, but foolishly, I pushed him to the background again.  I was going to get back on track, put the past behind me. I got a new job and things were going much better.  

I had heard that Jim was in therapy, was on some type of medication,  and was calming down. (Our divorce was nasty and seemed to take forever).

Toward Christmastime I started seeing a guy from work. He was a few years younger than me, very down to earth, easy going, kind and fun to be with. His sense of humor was great. I’m surprised I even was interested in dating again after the previous years, but Dan and I were practically inseparable. The kids loved him and he was good to them. 

The Witness:

We had been dating for about a year, and were still working together (waitress and cook), when Peggy came into my life. She was with a group of people who always came into the restaurant on Sundays and Thursday nights. No one wanted to wait on ‘the church people’ because they just had coffee and desserts…not good for tips, but a lot of work. However, I was “stuck” with them that night. They were very nice, but I was busy and remember wishing they would quit drinking so much coffee.  

When they were about finished, one of the ladies  came to the register to pay their bill. I looked up at her and her face was glowing with love. Really, it was shining. I just stood there looking at her and then squeaked the words out, “Why does your face glow like that?!!” She smiled and said, “It’s the Lord!” I replied, “Tell me about it”. It was as if all the longing for Him came flooding back into my heart. I felt thirsty for more of Him. I wanted to live for him.  

That night after work I shared this experience with Dan. He was open to taking a Bible Study, but wasn’t all that thrilled. He believed in God, but there didn’t seem to be a real desire to learn of Him. Because I was in love with Dan, part of me that was afraid of losing him if I "got religion." I knew by then that he would be a good husband and that I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him. I was seriously afraid that I would have to chose between Dan and God.  

The Bible study with Donn and Peggy was set up and I had talked on the phone with her several times and learned a few things that the Bible talked about in the book of Acts. I told Dan about it and he thought it was crazy. He said he would attend the Bible Study that night just to hear what they said and show them they were wrong.  

That night when Donn and Peggy opened up the Word of God, there was no arguing. What they showed us was there and there was no doubt that God had more for us. My heart was totally open to Him and Dan was seriously thinking about giving his heart to Jesus.  

Donn and Peggy came over faithfully, once a week for months to teach us, show us in the Bible what God had for us. They taught us right out of the Word of God. The questions I had were answered. I felt his comforting presence as I learned of Him, straight from His Holy Word.  

Surrender:

We agreed to go to church with them after the first few Bible Studies and were pleasantly shocked; the people sang happy, uplifting songs from their hearts. They clapped their hands and lifted them in the air. Some people danced for joy, some jumped. The place was so alive, so on fire for Him! The only kind of church I’d ever been to was the one I grew up in. Visiting this church I saw that it had LIFE. These people really had GOD! I could feel Him! Jesus was present in that place.  

That first night Jesse and I were saved. Lisa came around (at the age of 8 or 9) just a few weeks later and Dan followed a couple months later. Dan and I were married after continuing to date another year.  

The Blessing:

I am happier than I’d ever been in my life.

Jesus was faithful and it was so good to finally be living in His perfect will for my life.  

God blessed me with a sweet, loving man of God who treats me with respect.  He delivered me from brokenness and healed my shattered heart. I’d had post traumatic stress syndrome for years, flashbacks, nightmares, fear. The Lord has totally delivered me from all that. I have peace in Him. 

He also blessed us with a little one, Ben, who is a total miracle. (Another testimony!).  Jesse and Lisa both married and we now have 4 beautiful grandchildren, all older than our little Ben! :0) 

We are still serving God, still learning of His love and grace after almost 24 years. He has been faithful and kind. He showed me that waiting on Him, living for Him, submitting to Him is the only way to go forward with peace and happiness.  

I praise His Holy Name! Thank you, Jesus!