the power of words...

ok, so.....i think most of us have read the other blog (can't remember right now who posted it...euan, i think?? i'm sorry....brain going a jillion miles an hour right now...) about the power of words. no doubt, the tongue holds the power of life or death.

so does the LACK of words. wow. just...wow.

in colorado, i saw my mother for the first time in a year. and, in the 4 days that she was there WHILE i was there (before coming back to so cal), we spent a grand total of less than FIVE HOURS with her (her choice, NOT ours). and, the conversation was painstaking. like, you know when you FIRST meet someone you've NEVER met or talked to before? how you kinda throw something out there to generate a conversation, and the response is one word & then more awkward silence? that's EXACTLY what it's like to talk to her now. well, it's been that way for years now, but it was especially awkward this time. (there were lots of little nuances & other things there that i won't go into here...)

shot through the heart.

then tonight, i was going to talk to someone - there has been an issue in the past, their resolution was to pretend it never happened & keep acting normal "and eventually it will be" and they've STRONGLY resisted every attempt i've made at trying to find a more proactive solution. so, i keep trying to join in the normal game. (yes, game...it's pretty pathetic, really...) so anyway - i went up to talk to them tonight after Bible study, just to say like 4 words to them....totally friendly, nothing confrontational or whatever, and things have been "normal" (normally abnormal - no issues because of the issue, if that makes ANY sense whatsoever), so i figured it wouldn't be a big deal.

i was wrong. DEAD wrong. they saw me coming and literally turned and walked away. not one time...i could have overlooked that without too much of a second thought. no, FOUR times...in less than 5 minutes.

shot through the heart. again.

and left gasping for air - literally. worse than the whole mom thing, because, at least with my mom, i know it's going to be that way. the only surprise from her last week was SEEING her (since she came from wisconsin totally unannounced), but...to have someone constantly preaching "act normal" be the complete OPPOSITE of normal, to the point of being downright COLD - wow.

so...i just want to say it here, so you guys can all hold me accountable (and hopefully pray for me in the process, because it is going to be incredibly difficult & deeply painful) - i am done. i cannot clarify any more than that, but...i am done.

but...this DOES pose the question....what is the solution here, when the words we speak can kill AND the words that we do NOT speak can kill in equal measure?? i know pray, seek the Lord, etc... but...there has to be something more, right? (feeling a little lost right now...)

dude, totally didn't mean to be so ___(fill in the blank)____ here...just needed to get it off my chest...sorry guys! :S