Rebirthday :)

Today is my rebirthday :) why well today is exactly 5 years since I accepted Jesus as my savior.

And I would like to share my testimony.

As many of you already know  my family are not christian but muslims but not practing muslims just by the name. But I hope one day they also will become christians.

I was born and raised in Sweden but my mom and my dad are from Kosovo. My dad came to sweden in the 60's and has lived ever since here. So I have relatives in Kosovo and we normaly when we were younger just went there every 2 year  in the summer, but as  we grew up  we liked it more to be there and wanted to go every summer.  So before I come to how I became christian I want to start to tell about my life and thoughts how it was before I became christian.

I am the middle child in my family, I have a younger sister and a older brother. To be the middlechild in the family put a lot of pressure on me. I am the quiet one and the invisible one and my way to get attention was to be good in school to please them that way. But it never seems to be enough, still not perfect. I also am the most creative one, I paint I draw I create, while my brother and sister has also good creating skills in art but they did'nt have that passion as me.  Sometimes I was even jealous at my lil'sister for many reasons.

When I was getting older in my teenage years I still was good in school and kept it that way because I have always been  goal oriented. In my 8 - 9 grade I think I already knew that I wanted to become a fashion designer. I didn't want to screw up my chances to become what I always dreamed of, so I took care of school but I also saw this as I way to get far away from home. I didn't want to get stuck.

Well to try to be perfect to my mum who anyway never was satisfied, there was never good enough for her. There was always something to complain about. Me and my mum are two different worlds and we never almot agree about anything so my relationship with her is not the best. In school very early the kids would tease me and call me miss perfect even I didn't feel perfect or anything and I said to them I am not perfect and I don't know everything as they claimed because then I would sit here if I did. It was not my fault that I was good in school and had it easy to learn. I didn't brag about my grades or what I got at my test, they asked me always or the teacher would tell. So it was not easy to have friends either and has never been for me, they would see me as the swot and not  a funny person. But as soon as they needed help with something with school they were suddenly my friends and would be nice. And I never said no.

when I was 14 I was feeling so depressed because I didn't feel happy in anything I did or didn't do. And I was tired to please others and I had issues with anger because I kept everything inside. But while it got out I was not proude. I didn't know who I was and I had some things I wanted to change about myself but I always failed when I tried. And before God has never crossed my mined but lately I was wondering does there really exist a God or not. And for that moment it was more that he didn't exist. Others in my family like realtives when I said there is no God they never gave me a good reason they just said yes he exist (the muslim god). So I gave it a try anyway I started to pray to Allah in my own way because I didn't know how it was in muslim way. But the truth I have never felt anything for Islam from what we learned in school and what I saw from realtives that actually practice it. Nothing happened when I prayed Allah. So I gave up and just said God instead of Allah. I didn't realize then but after when I got christian I understood God was working inside of me, becuase during this time I was writting diary and when I became Christian I remember that I did write something about God in my diary an example is here I would write like this: God we are your children and protect us with your angels. I don't know how I could write like that because I didn't know anything about the christian faith just that Jesus was born in christmastime and in school we just learned about the old testament about moses, noah, josef and jakob. No one before has spoken with me about Jesus. But that came to a change.

The summer 2004 came and we as usually went to Kosovo for vacation and I still had my depression but no one notice it because I wouldn't speak about my problems with others because I couldn't trust anyone either. I have one cousin she is 3 years older than me and I used to be with her most of the time there. This summer she was translater for a group of americans with young people and leaders who was from the youth with a mission they where in our hometown to build up the school yard for the high school. So I followed my cousin when she translated for them in church, where they stayed at the hotel and had their nights with worship and fun.  When I went to church with her I liked what I saw how people treated each other and I felt they have something I don't have. But I couldn't explain what. when I went with her to meet the group at their hotel when they had their nights they had testimony that night and when some of the young teenagers told about how they have been feeling before and was feeling now when they knew jesus I could so feel with them with the life before. but the change I wanted that too. I liked when we was worshiping because I could feel something that I knew I was missing inside of me that I needed as well to have as all this people around me. So I asked if I could get I bible and they gave me one and my cousin said to me every answer you are looking for you will find in the bible. The answer I was looking for was what was the truth because I have always been a person who wants the truth and that people will like me for what I am and not to have to change to fit in and be accepted. During difficult times with to have friends I didn't change myself so I don't have to be alone I rather wanted to be alone and be myself than be alone in a group and lose my values.

I never drank or smoke as teenager(and still don't) , it didn't drag me I saw it just as a stupid thing and I didn't want to destroy myself. I never have been the party person and I have never been the girl as others at my age in my class was interested to be with many guys. I thought it was not right to go from one guy to another one.

So while reading the bible I got my answers,  that is that jesus is the truth the way and the life, that he loves me as I am and that he most of all that he died for me.

So I decided I want to accept Jesus and I told my cousin and she got very happy, I just want to point there where never anyone who said or forced me that I have to become christian. It was a saturday i was going to accept jesus in church it was the 3 july 2004 and it has gone two weeks since I came to Kosovo but I got a cold the first day I arrived in Kosovo because of the weather change from a not so hot sweden to a very hot Kosovo. and the cold didn't want to leave so and it was specially very bad that day I went to church I had fever and it was very hot but I went anyway, we started with prayers as usual and te service and then worshiping which for me was the best part back then because it made me happy and filled with something I couldn't explain. after the worship the pastor's wife told to the others that today we have someone that want to accept christ and she called me up and I did the prayer or I don't know how you call it with one of the missionary girls from America. I was holding her hands and I as to repeat what she said, and during I was repeating I was feeling a heat coming from her going inside of me from her hands into mine. And I felt I was getting better and I felt I was getting happy and lighter somehow. When it was finished I couldn't believe what Joy I had inside of me and when I saw how happy everyone else was and I felt I finally found where I belong -> in jesus. then we continued singing and after we went to the pastor's home and then it was that I noticed I felt perfectly fine I didn't have a cold anymore! I didn't only experience Jesus as my savior but as my healer in ONE DAY! But there is something that happened that day also later on when we got back home from the pastor me and my cousin, I got so tired somehow and slept right a way and woke up when we were going to eat dinner and then slept again and during the night I felt I had fever but wasn't really fever and suddenly I got really scared I felt something really dark was inside the room and suddenly was in a very high speed coming towards me and tried to enter me, and I could feel my heart beat so very fast but the thing couldn't come close because it was something in the way. I think I remember I said jesus and the thing couldn't come inside me and disapeared at once. That was something I can't explain, but I think it was that the dark side was not happy that I had found Jesus.

After this the  changes I wanted to change in myself happened because it was Jesus who changed me. My anger I could controll now and I became better to forgive people that have hurt me or done something and I could start trust in people. But my family was not so happy for me, because they couldn't see the change and sometimes i think if I had been like the worst kid and then got good I think they would believe it was thanks to Jesus.

I also realized how much he had worked in my life in so many ways to tell how he exist. I remember once when I was in the 3 grade and we went to church to sing holy night and in this church which is a baptist church by the way had a big painting with the story from Luke when the sheperds get the message from the angels about that the new born baby is their deliver and king. We sang the song three times because the teacher and the woman who was there to show us around was so moved how nice it sounded and I think the teacher got tears in her eyes. So when I remembered this when I got christian I started to search to find which church it was and I went back to my old school and so cool the teacher was still working and her name by the way is Eva. And she told me and I went there to the church just to see the painting once again.

There are many stories to tell about how my life changed as christian and what Jesus has done for me during this 5 years but that we leave for another time.

So happy rebirthday to me and I am so happy I found Jesus and I love Jesus more than anything else. :)