An update...

Yes, It did help to hide the laptop. However, that is hardly a solution. My mother said kudos for me for sticking up to my rights. Well, Mary was LISTENING to Jesus. She was NOT chatting about whatevers. So, comparing her laziness and unwillingness to help herself to what Mary was doing, shows how much one doesn't understand what is really going on. It is also stabbing at the dark for answers with out prayerfully asking God what should really be said. Maybe, God is still working on her, and will do what it takes to bring her to her knees and GET a life? I do think it is wise to make contacts, and develop leads and all when job hunting. I also believe in responsibility to your home, your family, your son. One can't be an effective leader if they don't have their house in order. One can't be effective in Missions when one refuses to do anything at home. This attitude will show up at work. Unless one deals with why they are apathetic and strives to do Opposite to Emotion, one will never get out of the muck and mire they put themselves in.    I believe this so strongly, that I refuse to become a leader at this point in time. I know I have issues and would not make a good leader. I feel that I do need to deal with who I am and attempt to become a better person who attempts to do what God wants me to do, and to grow stronger in Him, while doing the jobs He gave me, and doing the jobs that I put upon myself through failures that I have to stick with the rest of my life. For  a random sociological example, if you mess up, and have a kid, you have a responsibility for the rest of your life. If you buy a car, you are responsible for payments or trying to sell it. This is what I'm talking about. This is one of the reasons why I AM on Disability. I needed to have the funds to take care of my self and my car. I needed to do what it took to get healthier and treat people better. I needed to learn how to manage my chemical imbalances.

I used to be a very negative pill. I used to be a slob, didn't take care of anything or anyone and didn't care at all! Insert whatever language you want. I said it. It was not the right attitude. It was also not purely chemical imbalance, although I did have that too. My attitude of apathy and overwhelmness and anger was caused by NOT wanting to deal with my past. NOT wanting to forgive anyone. And NOT wanting to get a life because I was in effect, worshiping apathy. When I decided that the only way I was going to get out of my muck and mire I put myself in - No, my parents did NOT put me in there. They abused me, true. But, I put my self there. But, when I decided that I must get out of the muck and mire and do it at all cost in a Godly manner, I bent over backwards to find the therapist that would help. I bent over backwards to say the very words I didn't want anyone to know. I bent over backwards to talk in my dreamworld with my pretend friends, in order to get my braindamaged brain, to process what had happen and look at it from another perspective. I also went to college to learn why of my past. I learned alot. I learned that my dad was probably abused at a very young age. I learned that my mom, from her own mouth, had a extremely horrific childhood. Alcoholic dad who commited murder suicide. The abuse I suffered from her, was because of her own PTSD and fear. She made all decisions based on fear. She DID forgive her self and for that I am very proud of her. I have been praying for a long time that she would be able to forgive herself. I forgave her rather easily AFTER she showed that she really did want to change. It didn't matter to me if any real change too place. I saw her heart and that she didn't want to be this way. I do believe that we need to forgive BEFORE they do anything if possible. So, what does this have to do with my sister? Well, she is very very slowly trying to move forward. Where I see NO progress, I am sure God sees a whole country long miles of progress.

And, what am I going to do about all of this?

1) Ask for help as to what REAL solutions can be had so that their is consequences for her actions. NOT doing the work and letting it all pile up only has the effect of making her wash the exact pan she needs. NOT ever cleaning the bathroom causes a serious health risk that is NOT recommened.

2) I'm going to study PTSD and how to counsel a person with PTSD, using Music therapy, prayer, and so on, UNDER the guidance of   Terry (an Ordained Pastor and Social Liveing Skills worker who is getting his Psychiatrist degree).

3) I am going to develop a plan on how to use a Tallit (prayer shawl that is NOT the Christian version as they are NOT the same thing), music and literugical dance to affect healing of past.

4) Lest any of you become confused, I am NOT going to be using this to counsel anyone who didn't ask for it. Plus, I won't be counseling anyone who asks for it UNTIL Terry says I am ready. Even then, I'd still want a second person to monitor it. Why? I still have a mental disorder that prevents me from being confident in my abilities to counsel without dilusions getting in the way.  This is why I don't work. But, I can use this time to study and learn all the God wants me to learn - including how to be a mother to a older older teenager and a elementary age child, plus house keeping. Okay, so this is number 5 techinically. :D

ps. I only use caps because its easier for me to process what I'm typing without losing thought process. that why I don't use the bold tags. (I can't type them correctly, then spend 5 minutes trying to type them correctly. By that time, I've lost my train of thought. due to the shaken baby syndrome and the damage it has done to my brain, I have to do things that might unintentionally miff some people until they undersand why. I am not yelling. :D